This is something most of us single parents struggle with after separation. The worst cases are the very nasty split ups or break up that involve children. During this period, most parents concentrate on their own feelings and unfortunately forget about their children’s feelings and experience in all this or simply neglect them.
It is very hard I admit however from the beginning, I always knew that my children’s feelings matter more than my own or their father’s. This lead me to make a decision that my family and friends still do not understand or approve of.
As a mother, I feel like the moment I decided to bring a life into this earth. All selfishness had to disappear. Anything that happens in my life should never affect my children and if it does then I have to set aside my feelings and cater for my children’s feelings first. My children never chose to come into this earth, I made that choice for them. They never chose for me and their father to split up. My ex made that choice for them.
So the least I can do, is allow them as normal a childhood as possible with both parents being present. My ex is too selfish to make the sacrifices himself which leave me. As I am the believer, well I am the one that has to sacrifice more than he does. Since the girls live with me, I get to loose out on a second chance at happiness (if it ever did come). However, my ex doesn’t live with us, so it is easy for him to hide his relationship with his girfriend of 2 years from our daughters and to even have a relationship without having to worry about the children.
Anyways the arrangement I have with my ex is that we try and do things together as a family more often than not spend time together. Yes, I am not with him and he has a girlfriend but I guess she is okay with this arrangement. As long as it doesn’t affect my children, I dont care what my ex and his girlfriend’s arrangement is.
Easter holidays, summer holidays, Christmas are usually spent at his family’s home in Bulgaria. Yes, the whole family including me but no doubt excluding his girlfriend. Any outings arranged , half terms and weekends away where I feel like the girls would want to experience it with both of us, my ex insists that I have to get involved and be part of it as he still wants to the girls to have that family feeling.
My children know that me and their father are not together and that daddy lives somewhere else. They dont know the full story and I want to keep it that way. They are happy with me and their father being friends. So you would hear my oldest say- “This is my mother and this is my father and they are best friends ” It is a nice feeling when there is no arguing or fighting all the time. It is stress free. It is a weird relationship I have to accept but it works.
Putting aside your feelings to cater for your children’s feelings is the most amazing thing you could do for your children and for yourself too. Sometimes we are too proud to call it a truss for the children’s sake but the more we fight and argue, the more stress we have. During this time our children’s hearts are breaking and we change their whole perspective of relationships for life. Now even though I am not with their father they can still see the love that we have for each other as two people that have children together. They can see how we treat each other and have respect for each other. The love that we radiate to them in the process and the effort we put into everything. This will teach them that even though we are not the ideal family. Love still is a good and very powerful tool meaning they wouldn’t give up on it.
Now a lot of shit has happen in my life with my ex. However, I am selfless enough to put that aside for the sake of my children. Yes, I might be the only one making those big sacrifices but its a sacrifice worth making. It just means I cant have another life. That’s not a bad thing to be fair. My life at the moment is pretty simply. I am concentrating on adding to my career, (yes, as if being a dental hygienist is not enough). I am writing two novels, two autobiographies and a blog- also struggling to complete a wedding and eventplanning course, lol- I know! so my time is taken up anyways.
The day I am truelly ready to date, I am sure I will be able to joggle it into my life but for now. My children are my priority.